old & new

01Jan11


According to my computer it’s already tomorrow, already New Year’s day, but I’m in a hotel in Texas where it’s sooner. Harpo Marx is playing harp on TV and it’s nice. I’m typing this because there’s no paper in here. It’s been a busy year. I conducted an experiment with goals, in that I made one and stuck to it. I don’t usually do that. So here I am, on the precipice of the goal, and it’s exciting, but I feel sad about not doing a better job on my way here. I saved what I wanted to and got into school but I think I closed my heart a lot along the way. I am now thinking, what else do I want to accomplish? The goal was based on a whim but I for damn sure better take full advantage of what I’ve gotten myself into. I feel like I keep running away from meaningful relationships, in Vermont, New Hampshire, New York, California, Vermont again. All I can do about that is go back, someday, but for now I will be a better, nicer friend who sends better mail. That will be good. I will learn to not be so selfish. Running away makes me selfish, or independent…I am one and pretend to be the other.

In this move I’ve already gotten way more zen about my possessions in that I have fewer and that was mostly voluntary. I am cutting down on hobbies, packing away the ones that are stalled or not fruitful. I guess moving out of Vermont will actually make me take nature for granted less. I am going to see so many cool new birds.

I’m going to sleep before local midnight, the first New Year’s eve without booze (and thus without puke) in ages. I am totally scared! It’s great! It’s hard to focus when I am so sad and still feeling so dumb about my cameras. But I am working on making some new tiny little goals. Sticking to my principles. Taking some wee risks. Whimsy on the small scale. Little puffs of pixie dust. Twinkles. Little ones. Those should add up nicely for when I go back home.

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